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True-Self
Actualization
“Clearing
the Attic:
Tossing Out Emotional Baggage”
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in Two
or Three Parts*
Workshops written and Conducted by Rebecca
A. Holdorf
Copyright
2003 Rebecca A. Holdorf-Foundations of Light, LLC
*All classes (part
one, part two and/or part three), are approximately 3 hours long, and are held
on separate dates. Check the Community
Classes Calendar for times and locations.
“Clearing the Attic: Tossing Out Emotional Baggage”
is a popular workshop we've offered as a
two-part series and a three-part series, depending on the
venue.
The two-part series tends to
be more lecture-based because of time constraints, and the
three-part series is more class-participatory, and usually
more fun than just listening to me explaining the components
of how we were/are trained to be obedient and guilt-driven by
those we loved the most.
ö
Both options focus on helping participants
to realize that the
emotional baggage we are still dragging around with us is
often packed with lingering residues of not meeting the
expectations of those whose approval we most desired in our
childhood — expectations for us that were often set by our
parents, by our peers, by our teachers, by our social groups,
and sometimes, even by ourselves.
-
When someone “expected”
something of us, and
we weren’t able to live
up to that expectation,
the disappointment expressed by the other person,
especially if it was someone we loved and depended on,
was emotionally damaging to us. It
may have made us feel unworthy, unloved, incapable,
incompetent, inferior, or gave us a tremendous feeling of
guilt. Maybe we resented the expectation—and
maybe we recognized it as being unreasonable at the
time but the person still maintained that expectation of
us, which then made us feel resentment—or
even made us feel guilty of feeling resentful.
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These are the “toxic emotions”
from childhood that we
still carry with us as adults, and the people who rely on
us now, whether they are spouses, our children, our elder
parents, our friends, our community or religious
groups—all of these associations all have expectations of
us and we may still be dealing with those present
expectations like we did as children—fearing to offend
others—fearing not to please them, even when the
expectations or requests are unreasonable.
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The
3-part workshop will
deal with eliminating this “toxic-emotions” baggage
that we’re still
carrying; and the workshop does it in a fun and
group-supportive way.
►1st
Class:
RELEASING EXPECTATIONS
The label-strewn suitcase I drag into
the 1st class represents the main activity of the first
session — Releasing Expectations—the
group will identify props I hold up or picture symbols of the
roles we have played and ARE STILL playing. Then the group
shouts out what expectations are
associated with that role. You
might be surprised what roles and expectations you immediately
recognize in your own life, when we do this class "shout-out
session." And it feels good to shout it out! So the class
really gets into it.
-
I then ask how everyone felt if they
MET those "role expectations," and then ask how did the
class feel if they DIDN'T meet them.
Then we determine, as a group,
whether the "expectations associated with the roles" were
reasonable or unreasonable. Because there
isn't much sense in having
guilty feelings if a role expectation was or is
unreasonable, but you might
be surprised to realize that you never took the time
before to determine the
reasonableness of most roles
that we adopt either willingly or unwillingly. You just
shouldered them, and felt bad if you couldn't meet
everyone else's expectations of you.
We are going to help you stop
feeling bad about yourself and start setting proper
boundaries and expectation for yourself! THAT is the
purpose of the workshop.
The classes
are fun—highly
interactive, and can be boisterous sessions with everyone
responding together. There’s lots of laughs and lots of
memories expunged. And most importantly,
lots of baggage
tossed.
In the end,
we release all those unreasonable
expectations and all the feelings of inadequacy and guilt
associated with them.
►2nd
Class:
CLOSELY
EXAMINING ROLES
The second night,
we more closely
examine the roles we play, by
breaking out in small groups for role-playing, and then we
come back together as the large group for special skits and
pantomimes shared from each smaller group.
When you see others role-playing the
very things most annoying and troublesome to you, and
recognize that the situation they are now dramatizing is
unreasonable to begin with--with expectations so out of line
that they may cross your personal boundaries and make you feel
inadequate or unworthy of love, it broadens your situational
perspective to help you see that your problem may not be YOU
at all. The real problem may be the unreasonableness of the
expectation for that role. Many "lightbulb moments" flash
among the participants and spectators when the dramatizations
begin.
►3rd
Class:
DEFINE LIMITS
AND SET PERSONAL BOUNDARIES
The third night
we define
acceptable limits and learn how
to draw the line between reasonable and unreasonable
expectations or requests—and most importantly,
we practice actually saying “NO, I
cannot do that for you.” Because
for some people, that simple statement is the toughest one
they've ever tried to say.
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And
because
saying “No”
is such a difficult thing for some people, especially for
women, we are going to
learn two techniques:
One is how to
say “NO” without
feeling guilty about it,
and the second is
how to negotiate a more
mutually beneficial outcome for both parties.
®
For example:
If
you must confront someone directly who has relied on your
compliance for years, you might want to use this statement to
start the new dialog between you two:
“Jane, I feel I have to be
honest with you that what you expect from me is not something
I can keep providing because it is damaging a part of myself
to do so, therefore, I am asking you to change your
expectations to something more reasonable for both of us.
Let's talk about how we can do that, so we can both feel good
about it."
®
And after you say that, besides the shocked look on the other
person's face, you can almost expect an
emotional counter-attack to incite your guilt with
statements like:
1.
“I’m really disappointed in you.”
2.
“I thought you were my friend.”
3.
“I’m not asking the world of
you.”
4.
"You’ve always done this before.”
5.
“If you don’t do it, who will?”
®
But by recognizing the intentions
behind those statements—the
further attempt to manipulate you into doing something that
you aren't comfortable with—you
better prepare yourself beforehand to deal with any situation
that arises in a future interaction.
And you
don't have to cry or get upset with the other person for
attempting to manipulate you—expect it because it's always
worked for them in the past—they aren't going to simply give
it up if they think it might work again. The difference is
that YOU are now aware of what is happening and that you are
no longer willing to give up your
sense of self-worth for an unreasonable request.
This is a very peaceful and non-combative way to
stand in your own power—to
stand up for yourself.
In the class sessions,
we work on meeting some possible future
challenges together. That's the
advantage of group-support. You can readily see that you
aren't alone in what you are experiencing, nor are you alone
in feeling what you ARE feeling about it. And to see and hear
from others as a unified group
determined to feel better about themselves and their life,
that there IS a way to change the situation, if you are ready
to do so.
So how
do you recognize an
unreasonable expectation from
a reasonable
one?
®
You
recognize reasonable expectations from unreasonable ones, by
how they
make you feel.
1. If
you feel happy to be of service
to that person in the role you are assuming, his or her
request or expectation is not a burden to you—you feel no
lingering baggage with that situation.
2. If
you feel resentment or discomfort
for having to fulfill a request or expectation, then there is
something at work in the situation and it needs to be more
closely examined before you agree to do it. Someone might be
trying to manipulate you into doing something for them that
you really don't want to do, and if the request is
unreasonable in some way, you will feel instant resentment for
it.
How do you
overcome guilt feelings
for not complying with everyone’s expectations of you?
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Recognize that your time and attention are every bit as
valuable as anyone else’s.
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Recognize that throughout our lives we have been trained
to please others, to be obedient, dutiful, respectful, and
compassionate toward others.
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Recognize that all those trained responses were reinforced
for the purpose of manipulating our actions toward
achieving the desires of others—particularly our parents.
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We
wanted parents to love us—to be proud of us—to be happy
with us. We did not want to disappoint them, or create
disapproval because we felt bad about ourselves when that
happened. It made us feel unworthy of love, or
unacceptable as a person. We felt we had failed in our
childhood role to live up to their expectations of us.
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Recognize that if we were “imposed on” frequently enough,
we grew up to expect it in ourselves—to be constantly
trying to please others and not offend them so we could
win or keep their love and approval.
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Once we
recognize a greater sense of self-worth, we stop trying to
win approval from others by constantly meeting everyone’s
unreasonable expectation of us. And by
acknowledging that our
worth is equal to all others,
and by considering that the motives of those making the
requests may be to manipulate our actions to fulfill THEIR
needs, this eliminates the guilt associated with
unreasonable requests.
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Also
keep in mind that we are not helping our chief “expecters”
to be better people by constantly giving in to them. If
anything, we are teaching them to be better “manipulators
of others”—by using us as examples of their success.
Last note:
Anytime we feel resentment, guilt,
inadequacy, incompetence or just generally feel like we are
unworthy of love and acceptance,
we need to recognize that these feelings may be the baggage we
are still carrying from past
unreasonable expectations—and
they need to be cleared from our attics—from our minds—so we
can make room for loving, supportive, self-nurturing feelings
that help us along our life’s path.***
***We
have professional resources available at a phone call, to
further explore anything you might find that is too difficult
for you to deal with by yourself. When grief or trauma are
fresh or deeply entrenched, we can suggest a counselor to help
you walk your path toward that new life direction.
So, check the
Community Classes Calendar
for dates and times,
and I look forward to seeing you at these
wonderful,
personal-exploration workshops.
All workshops
are conducted by
Rebecca A. Holdorf,
teacher and author of the HONORING THE HERMIT
Series.
Check the
Community Classes Calendar
for
times and locations of all classes.
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